Animals Jokes
Out in the old west, in a dingy, two bit town, there was a bar, built of
a few pieces of wood, and a couple of sheets. A dog came in one hot
dusty afternoon and asked for a beer. After the bartender got over his
surprise, he yelled "Get out of here, we don't serve your kind."
"Not till I get some rye."
"Get out of here now!"
"No way, I want my drink."
The bartender pulled out a rifle and shot the dog in the leg. The dog
limped out, bleeding all over the place.
A couple days later the door swings open, there's the dog, dressed in a
black vest, a big ten gallon hat, and two pearl handled pistols.
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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Chicken joke
A European farmer had problems so he called in the EC Agriculture
Dept. When they asked what the problem was he said that he was having
trouble raising his chickens. When the official asked what he had
tried so far the farmer replied, " I bought 500 chicks and planted
them head first in my garden but they all died."
The official then asked what else the farmer had tried.
The farmer said, "I bought 500 more and planted them feet first in my
garden. They lasted longer, but they eventually died too."
The official quickly sussed the problem and told the farmer not to
worry. He would soon have some EC experts sent round to carry out
some soil testing.
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A gorilla was walking through the jungle one hot day - bored. Bored with
dragging his knuckles, bored with picking his fleas, bored with picking his
nose (BTW do you know why gorillas have such big NOSTRILS - Have you seen
their FINGERS?) - anyway he was really, really bored.
He came to a muddy, pee filled water hole, and thought that a bath would do
him good. As he arrives, he sees a lion bending over, taking a drink, his
arse up in the air. Hmmm, the gorilla thinks, hmmmmm. So he lifts up the
lion's tail and kicks him in the nuts, sending the lion sprawling into the
muddy, pee filled water hole. The gorilla laughs, turns and RUNS.
Man, he's moving - with the lion limping after him. Gradually, the lion
starts to catch up with the gorilla and the gorilla realises two things: 1.
he's not bored anymore and b. he's going to die. But gorillas are canny
creatures, and as he runs through the jungle he spies a newsagency (a place
where newspapers are sold), with some very nice tables and chairs arranged
outside and those silly checked tablecloths, you know the ones.
So, he runs into the newsagency and buys the biggest newspaper he can find,
runs back outside and sits at one of the tables with the paper held up in
front of him - only his hairy knuckles are visible. The lion stops, panting,
and says to the hairy knuckles holding the paper, "Hey did you see a gorilla
come running through here?".
The gorilla says, "You mean the one that lifted your tail and kicked you in
the nuts and knocked you into the muddy, pee filled water hole - and then he
laughed and took off?"
"Christ!", the lion says, "Don't tell me it's in the papers already!"
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2 cows meet one daye in the field and start talking
"moo" says the first cow
"I was just about to say that" says the second cow
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This guy comes into a bar with a monkey. While the guy is having a
drink at the bar, the monkey climbs onto a pool table, picks up the
cue ball, and eats it. Seeing this, the bartender approaches the man
and asks "What's up with the monkey? He ate my damn cue ball!!"
The man apologizes and says "It's okay. He'll shit it out a little
later, and I'll clean it up and return it. No prob."
The bartender gives the man a strange look, but says that that will
be fine.
The next day, the man returns with the monkey and the cue ball.
After returning the ball to the bartender, he sits down for a drink.
This time the monkey sits a little ways down the bar where a bowl
of peanuts is sitting on the bar. The bartender watches as the monkey
picks up a peanut, sticks it up his ass, takes it out and looks at it,
then eats it. Perplexed, the bartender continues to watch as the monkey
repeats the procedure; picks up a peanut, sticks it up his ass, pulls
it out, looks at it for a second, then eats it.
The bartender walks to the other end of the bar where the man is
sitting and asks "What the hell is up with that crazy monkey now?" and
points at the monkey.
The man answers "Well, after passing that cue ball, now he measures
everything first!"
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On which side do parrots have the most feathers?
..... On the outside
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From the Alaskan Rangers manual:
How to trap bears (or poachers)
Make a hole in the ice. Line the rim of the hole with frozen peas.
When the bear (or poacher) comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole.
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A minister goes into a pet store, and comes acroos a parrot. The parrot
says, "Hi, my name is Polly. I'm a prostitute." Over and over.....that's
all she says. The minister is appalled, and asks why they don't teach
the bird something else to say.
The lady in the store tells him that they have tried everything, and that
that's all she'll say.
The minister tells her that he can take care of it. He has 2 parrots and all
they do is pray all the time. He takes the parrot home, but 2 days later, he
brings the bird back. The lady asks, "Did you teach her something else
to say?"
No. I put her on the perch with my parrots and she said 'Hi, My name is
Polly. I'm a prostitute.'
Then my birds looked at each other and said, "FINALLY! Our prayers have
been answered!"
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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of
the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. The second dog turned to him and
asked "What are you in here for, buddy?"
The dog looked depressed, "I'm in big trouble", he said, "My owner has a
really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in
it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed
on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep."
"I know how you feel", said the second dog. "My owners have a beautiful,
expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from
work and I just couldn't help myself...I shit all over their nice carpet
and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep, too."
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are you
here for?" they asked.
"Well," said the third dog,"my owner likes to do her housework in the nude.
The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the
sofa, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the
ride of my life!"
The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to sleep, too,
huh?"
"No," said the dog, "I'm having my nails clipped."
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A young woman visiting the local zoo is grabbed by the gorilla
and is dragged into his cage, whereupon she is savagely raped.
In the hospital, her girl friend asked her, "Poor thing,
how do you feel?"
She answered, "Horrible...he doesn't call...he doesn't
write..."
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An ant met an elephant and decided to get married. After a night of love
making, the next morning the ant found the elephant dead! Since they were
married, the ant has to bury the elephant, cursing, "One night of passion
and I have to spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
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Two Lions Walking down Oxford Street
One says to the other
"Not many people about, are there?"
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He said that I would look more attractive if I were shaved. He said I would
love the nakedness of it all. He said it was stylish. He said I would feel
cleaner. He said it wouldn't hurt. He said he had been thinking about this
for a long time. He said he would do it himself.
He said he would be careful. He said he would go slow. He said was ready to
begin. He said to lay down. He said that he would help me relax. He said he
loved me. He said he felt like an artist. He said he was done. He said he
adored the way it looked. He said he was pleased with his work. He said he
wanted to show me off. He said he needed to take me out like this. He said
that he wanted people to see me like this. He said we would have a most
exciting day. He said he would be right back. He said he had to get his
shoes on.
I said... Well I didn't say anything. Poodles don't talk.
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A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.
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