The Book of Creation

Chapter 1

  1. In the beginning God created Dates.
  2. And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 BC.
  3. And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when there
     was Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got down to
     work; for verily, he had a Big Job to do.
  4. And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian
     limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and
     Picanthopus erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those
     cave paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first Work Day.
  5. And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had not
     wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be divided from
     the earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in
     the earth; but not too deep.
  6. And God buried all the Things which he had made, and that was that.
  7. And the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.
  8. And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and that
     was that.
  9. And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called he the
     Sea. And in the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one
     through six; and natural gas put he thereunder, and prehistoric
     carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter;
     and all these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant.
 10. And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles from
     the dry land, called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese
     nodules, for instance.
 11. And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which he called
 12. And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving
     creature I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without
     wings or feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now;
     and let each one be of a separate species. For lo, I can make
     whatsoever I like, whensoever I like.
 13. And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small,
     with and without backbones, with and without wings and feet and fins
     and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to brontosauruses.
 14. But God blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and multiply and Evolve
 15. And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth
     was exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species
     compete for what it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And the
     species competeth amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping
     things; and some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the
     dinosaurs and God was pleased.
 16. And God took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to appear
     mighty old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And he took
     every tiny creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to become
     fossils; and cast he them about likewise.
 17. And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt God
     created carbon dating. And this is the origin of species.
 18. And in the Evening of the day which was Thursday, God saw that he had
     put in another good day's work.
 19. And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which
     is tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make monkeys,
     which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and
     hairy. And God added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the
     fowl of the air and every speices, endangered or otherwise.
 20. So God created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and pale of
     hue created He him, and nothing at all like the monkeys.
 21. And God said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is
     upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth
     you ideas.
 22. And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have given
     also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But they shall
     be for you. And the Lord God your Host suggesteth that the flesh of
     cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw; thus shall Surf be
     wedded unto Turf.
 23. And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good;
     and God said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can
     accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken
     billions of years.
 24. And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day yet,
     God said, Thank me it's Friday. And God made the weekend.

Chapter 2

  1. Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all in five days, and
     all less than six thousand years ago; and if thou believest it not, in
     a sling shalt thou find thy hindermost quarters
  2. Likewise God took the dust of the ground, and the slime of the Sea and
     the scum of the earth and formed Man therefrom; and breathed the breath
     of life right in his face. And he became Free to Choose.
  3. And God made a Marketplace eastward of Eden, in which the man was free
     to play. And this was the Free Play of the Marketplace.
  4. And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow four trees: the Tree of
     Life, and the Liberty Tree, and the Pursuit of Happiness Tree, and the
     Tree of the Knowledge of Sex.
  5. And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, This is my Law, which is
     called the Law of Supply and Demand. Investeth thou in the trees of
     Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness, and thou shalt make for
     thyself a fortune. For what fruit thou eatest not, that thou mayest
     sell, and with the seeds thereof expand thy operations.
  6. But the fruit of the tree of the Knowledge of Sex, thou mayest no eat;
     nor mayest thou invest therein, nor profit thereby nor expand its
     operations; for that is a mighty waste of seed.
  7. And the man was exceeding glad. But he asked the LORD God: Who then
     shall labor in this Marketplace? For I am no management, being tall and
     well-formed and pale of hue?
  8. And the LORD God said unto himself, Verily, this kid hath the potential
     which is Executive.
  9. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and
     every fowl of the air, and brought them unto Adam to labor for him. And
     they labored for peanuts.
 10. Then Adam was again exceeding glad. But he spake once more unto the
     LORD God, saying, Lo, I am free to play in the Marketplace of the LORD,
     and have cheap labor in plenty; but to whom shall I sell my surplus
     fruit and realize a fortune thereby?
 11. And the LORD God said unto himself, Verily, this is an Live One.
 12. And he caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he took from him one
     of his ribs, which was an spare rib.
 13. And the spare rib which the LORD God had taken from the man, made he
     woman. And he brought her unto the man, saying:
 14. This is Woman and she shall purchase your fruit; and ye shall realize a
     fortune thereby. For Man produceth and Woman consumeth, wherefore she
     shall be called the consumer.
 15. And they were both decently clad, the Man and the Woman, from the neck
     even unto the ankles, so they were not ashamed.

Chapter 3

  1. Now the snake in the grass was more permissive than any beast of the
     field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Why has
     thou accepted this lowly and submissive role? For art thou not human,
     even as the man is human?
  2. And the woman said unto the snake in the grass, the LORD God hath
     ordained that I am placed under the man, and must do whatsoever he
     telleth me to do; for is he not the Man?
  3. But the snake in the grass laughed an cunning laugh, and said unto the
     woman, Is it not right and just that thou shouldst fulfill thy
     potential? For art thou not comely in thy flesh, even as the man is
     comely in his flesh?
  4. And the woman said, Nay, I know not, for hath not the LORD God clad us
     decently, from the neck even unto the ankles; and forbidden that we eat
     of the Tree of the Knowledge of Sex?
  5. But the snake in the grass said unto the woman, whispering even into
     her very ear, saying, Whatsoever feeleth good, do thou it; and
     believeth thou me, it feeleth good.
  6. And when the woman saw the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Sex,
     that it was firm and plump and juicy, she plucked thereof, and sank her
     teeth therein, and gave also to her husband, and he likewise sank his
     teeth therein.
  7. And the eyes of both of them were opened, and they saw that they were
     not naked.
  8. And the woman lossened then Adam's uppermost garment, and he likewise
     loosened hers; and she loosened his nethermost garment, and the man
     then loosened her nethermost garment; until they were out of their
     garments both, and likewise of their minds.
  9. And, lo!, they did dance upon the grass of the ground, and they did
     rock backward, and roll forward continually;
 10. And as they did rock and roll, the serpent that was cunning did play
     upon a stringed instrument of music, and did smite his tail upon the
     ground in an hypnotic rhythm, and he did sing in a voice that was like
     unto four voices: She loveth you, yea, yea, yea.
 11. And they did both twist and shout, and fall into a frenzy, both the man
     and the woman, and lay themselves upon the ground, and commit there
 12. And when they were spent from their abominations, they did take the
     herb bearing seed, and did roll it and smoke it; and lo! it gaveth them
     ideas, even as the LORD God had said; and they were like to commit new
 13. Now the LORD God was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, with
     his dog; and as Adam and his wife were beginning these new
     abominations, the LORD God did stub the toe of his foot upon their
     hindermost quarters.
 14. And the LORD God waxed wroth, and said unto Adam, Wherefore art thou
     naked? And what is that thou smokest? And why art thou not at thy work?
     For have I not said that it is the man's part to produce, and the part
     of the woman to consume whatever he produceth?
 15. And Adam and his wife did look upon one another, and did giggle.
 16. Whereupon the LORD God waxed exceeding wroth, and he said, Hast thou
     eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldst not eat?
 17. And the man said, The woman whom you gavest to be with me made me do
 18. And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou has done?
     And the woman said, The snake in the grass made me do it.
 19. And the snake in the grass said, The devil made me do it.
 20. And the LORD God said unto the snake in the grass, Thou art an
     permissive beast; wherefore art thou cursed to crawl upon they belly,
     and be made into belts and boots and handbags hereafter.
 21. Unto the woman He said, Since thou has harkened unto the snake in the
     grass which is broad-of-mind and permissive; henceforth let it be thy
     lot to be confused and scattered in thy brains, and to be plagued by
     demons who shall tempt thee to become that which thou canst not be:
     such as an warrior, or an extinguisher of fires, or an operator of
     heavy machinery.
 22. And since thou has put aside the decent clothing wherein I clad thee,
     here after no garment shall satisfy thee, and thou shalt be overcome by
     longings to change thy raiment every spring and fall.
 23. And above all this, since thou hast desired to tast of the fruit of the
     Tree of the Knowledge of Sex, now let thy very body be a curse unto
     thee. From generation unto generation, men shalt whistle and hoot after
     thee as thou passest; yea, and women also.
 24. And unto Adam he said, Woe unto thee who hast harkened not to the voice
     of the LORD thy God, but rather to her who is thy inferior; for thou
     wast free to choose. Now shalt thou be banished from the Marketplace
     and the Free Play thereof; neither shalt thou pluck the fruit from the
     Trees of Life and Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.
 25. In the sweat of they face shalt thou earn thy bread, and bankruptcy
     shall be thy lot; and upon thy back, as a burden unto thee, thou shalt
     bear Big Government; for thou has sinned.
 26. And the LORD God said unto the man, Behold, thy knowledge of sex shall
     be as a curse upon thee and they generations; and thy loins shall be a
     trial to thee.
 27. For whensoever thou goest into a public place, then shall thy member
     rise up; when thou sitteth to eat and drink among they fellows,
     likewise shall it rise up; yea, even when thou standeth before the
     people to preach unto them in my name, shall it rise up, and be a
     scandal unto thee, and make an unseemly lump in thy garments; yet when
     thou goest into thy wife shall thy member wither, and rise up not.
 28. And then the LORD God was silent, and waxed sad, and made as if to
     leave them there. But he turned and spoke softly unto Adam and his wife
     Eve, saying, Knowest thou something? Mine only hope is this: That
     someday, ye have children who do unto you the way ye have done unto Me.