Why Cucumbers Are Better Than Men

1. A cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away.

2. A cucumber can always wait until you get home.

3. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family.

4. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.

5. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.

6. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.

7. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hair spray.

8. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.

9. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.

10. A cucumber never has to call "the wife".

11. A cucumber never leaves the toilet seat up.

12. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.

13. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.

14. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.

15. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.

16. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.

17. A cucumber won't ask "Am I the first?".

18. A cucumber won't ask for a transfer just when you're up for promotion.

19. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school.

20. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.

21. A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.

22. A cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors.

23. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.

24. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds.

25. A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.

26. A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.

27. A cucumber won't give it up for Lent.

28. A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep.

29. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised catholic, jewish, or orthodox vegetarian.

30. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.

31. A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.

32. A cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore.

33. A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.

34. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over.

35. A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.

36. A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.

37. A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun.

38. A cucumber won't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy.".

39. A cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde.

40. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.

41. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.

42. A cucumber won't want to come on your face.

43. A cucumber won't want to join your support group.

44. A cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party.

45. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.

46. with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season.

47. All cucumbers are fresh and juicy.

48. At a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat.

49. Cucumbers are very easy to pick up.

50. Cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits and nuts.

51. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations.

52. Cucumbers aren't jealous.

53. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.

54. Cucumbers can handle rejection.

55. Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.

56. Cucumbers can't count to "10".

57. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.

58. Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold.

59. Cucumbers don't get too excited. 60. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups.

61. Cucumbers don't jam the freezer with food you don't like.

62. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.

63. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.

64. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.

65. Cucumbers don't mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time.

66. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.

67. Cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with longer hair.

68. Cucumbers never asnwer your phone or borrow your car.

69. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.

70. Cucumbers never have mid-life crisis.

71. Cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation.

72. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.

73. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.

74. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.

75. Cucumbers won't give you a hickey.

76. Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest.

78. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.

79. Cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin.

80. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin.

81. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.

82. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.

83. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.

84. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.

85. It's easy to drop a cucumber.

86. No matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too.

87. No matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber.

88. Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind of cucumber.

89. The average cucumber is at least seven inches long.

90. The cucumbers you raise don't desert you.

91. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.

92. With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.

93. With cucumbers you don't have to be a virgin more than once.

94. You always know where YOUR cucumber has been.

95. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.

96. You can keep as many cucumbers as you want.

97. You don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber.

98. You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.

99. Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house.

100. A cucumber will never call and say, "I have to work late, honey." ... ... and then come home with the smell of Channel No. 19 on him.

101. Cucumbers don't stay up until 4 and then demand that you take care of them when they get sick... ...But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME.

102. Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover... ...or speculate about your next.

103. With a cucumber you can get a single room... ... and you won't have to check in as "Mrs." Cucumber.

104. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket... ...and you know how firm it is before you take it home.

105. You can go to movie with a cucumber... ... and see the movie.

106. A cucumber will never leave you for... (a) another woman. (b) another man. (c) another cucumber.

107. A cucumber never... (a) snaps your bra. (b) pinches your butt. (c) gives you a snuggy.

108. A cucumber will never... (a) contest a divorce. (b) demand a property settlement. (c) seek custody of _anything_.

109. Afterwards, a cucumber won't... (a) want to shake hands and be friends. (b) say, "I'll call you a cab.". (c) tell you he's not the marrying kind. (d) tell you he is the marrying kind. (e) call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist. (f) take you to confesion.

110. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your... (a) gynecologist. (b) ski instructors. (c) tennis instructors.

111. Cucumbers won't ask... Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?