The Five Stages of Holiday Drinking

     LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've  had a few beers. You get up to
leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends
buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends.  Here at
level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why
as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".

     LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20
minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave
again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder.
And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I
working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as
I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers)  I'm cool."

     LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila.  You've
just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf.  And now
you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've
ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the
bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar
just because you like his face.  You get drinking fantasies.
(like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live
together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.")  But
at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and  he's
buying.  And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long
as  I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood
(snaps fingers),  I'm cool."

     LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending.  For last call,
you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf!
This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at
the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now
you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever
seen."  You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get
thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar.  And
here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "
long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as
well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I
don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith
Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And
besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep

     LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your
money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody
named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state
line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently
as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is
going, "Uh, I gotta turn in.  I gotta be in Hell- at nine.  I've
got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that."  At this point,
you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like
something from a Klingon wedding.  A waitress with fresh stitches
comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry
that girl!!"  One of your friends stands up and screams,"WE'RE
DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out.  You crawl outside for
air , and then you hit the worst part of level five-the sun.  You
weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a
bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or
jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they
say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up
all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if
you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight.  We all
say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again
(how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little
addition, "and this time, I mean it!"