A man lay spread out over three seats in a movie theater.
As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said,
"Thats very rude of your, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you
learn any manners? Where did you come from? The man looked up
helplessly and said, "The balcony!"
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A guy was screwing his girl-friend in the back seat of his car
when a cop coes by and says, "What do you think your doing?"
The man rolls down his window and answers, "I'm screwing my girl."
"Good!" says the cop. "I'm next."
"Sounds good to me," says the guy. "But I've never screwed a cop
before."
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This episode dates back to the time when Pakistan attacked
India in 1971.
The United States got a lot of complaints from Pakistan that
all soldiers trained in handling hand-grenades came back without
their dicks.
The United States had supplied the same grenades to many other
nations but did not get any such complaints.
Finally, a delegation of top grenade experts landed in Pakistan
to observe how the handgrenade was handled. They select one
soldier (trained in grenade handling) at random.
Experts: How do you use the grenade
Soldier: We count ten before it explodes.
Experts: Could you demonstrate it to us
Soldier: (Holds the grenade on his right hand and counts with
his left hand) 1..2..3..4..5,
(Holds the grenade in between his legs, and uses the
right hand) 6..7..8..9..VOOM
###################################################################
A horny pair of teenagers are driving down the highway; they can't
keep their hands off of one another. The young tike decides he's
gonna give her the worm and decides to pull over. She protests,
saying people driving by will be able to see them.
The boy pulls over on an incline off the highway. "Look, we'll
get underneath the car, and I'll leave my feet sticking out. If
anyone comes by I'll tell them I'm fixing the muffler."
Reluctantly, the girl agrees, so they wriggle under the car and
start to make love. All of a sudden the young dude feels someone
kicking his foot.
"And just what do you think your doing?" a policeman asks.
"Fixing my muffler," the boy replies.
"Well, you should have fixed your brakes first; your car just
rolled down the hill."
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Q: Why isn't being a penis all it's cracked up to be?
A: You have a head but no brains, there are always a couple of nuts
following you around all the time, your next door neighbor is an
ass, your best friend is a pussy, and you end up doing pushups in
a plastic bag till you throw up.(AH WHAT A LIFE)
###################################################################
A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh=BB Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde
exclaims:"=
Oh no,
not another breathalyzer test"
###################################################################
A man after a sinful life died and came to the hell. Evil asked
him his choice about which hell to go : American or Russian. The
man asked
"What is the difference in-between them".
"In the American hell you eat one full spoon of shit everyday and
in the Russian one you have to eat one bucket of shit with the same
sized spoon everyday" evil replied.
The man didn't even think for a second and has chosen the American
hell. On the way to the American hell, when they were passing in
front of the Russian hell somebody called the man :
"Hey!! Where are you going?".
"To the American hell" replied the man.
The other guy "Are you stupid, why don't you come here and join
us in the Russian hell?"
The man: "Why should I do that, I rather eat one spoon of shit than one
bucket everyday."
"You can be damn sure you will have one spoon of shit everyday in the
American hell. But in the Russian hell, one day they can't find the
spoon, next day they can't find the bucket and following day they can't
provide the shit. I have been here for almost a year, I did not eat
any shit, yet!!!!" the other guy replied.
###################################################################
This guy's out golfing one day and hits the ball directly
on top of a leprechaun. So, naturally, the guy wants to hit the ball
again but the lep. stops him and says, "Let me have the ball."
To make a long story short, the guy says, "Ok," you can have it but
what will you give me in return?"
"I'll make you the greatest golfer in the world," the lep. says.
"Ok," the guy answeres, entheustically.
"But..."
"But?"
"But your sex life will suffer."
"That's ok," the guy says.
The guy becomes the best golfer in the world and years
later comes back to the same course. He aims at the place he saw
the lep. and hits the ball there. Sure enough, the lep. is waiting
for him.
"Well," the lep. starts. "Are you the world's best golfer?"
"Yes," the guy replies.
"And did your sex life suffer?"
"No."
"No? How many times did you have it this last year?"
"Three times," the guy responds.
"Three times, and you say your sex life didn't suffer?" the lep. asks,
astonished.
"Hey, that's not bad for a priest with a small parish."
###################################################################
A man passing through a small country town chanced to stop at one of the
local shops for a packet of cigarettes. To his surprise on getting inside
he found the shop stacked out with salt. There were boxes of it, barrels
of it, sacks of it. They littered the floor, the shelves, the counter. He
asked for his cigarettes. The shopkeeper rummaged among his huge stock of
salt, but failed to find any. "Must be through in the warehouse," he
said. As he opened the rear door to go through to the warehouse, the
customer was amazed to see that the passageway behind was stacked with
salt too. Intrigued he followed the shopkeeper out to the warehouse. Here
again was ton upon ton of salt. As the shopkeeper hunted amongst all this
salt for the cigarretes, the customer could not help observing: "You must
sell an awful lot of salt." The shopkeeper straightened up and spread his
hands in a despairing gesture. "No," he said. "I can't sell any salt. But
the salesman who sells me salt - boy can HE sell salt!"
###################################################################
A man walks into a bar with a chimpanzee and they sit side by side on the
bar. The man orders two beers. The chimpanzee drinks the beer like a human
being and after finishing the first glass asks for another one to the
bartender by using sign language. A beautiful lady sitting next to them
and watched all scene starts talking with the man:
- What a skillful chimpanzee you have there, does he have a name?
- Yes, his name is Joe. He can also answer calculation questions, ask
him...
- What is the result if you multiply 3 by 3?
The chimpanzee shows his 9 fingers as an answer.
- What is the result if you add 4 and 3?
The chimpanzee shows his 7 fingers.
- I'm really impressed, she says.
- Actually, this is nothing. I bet you would be more surprised to see what
he can do in bed with a woman. Would you like to give a try?
After all, she accepts the offer for curiosity to find out what he meant
exactly. They leave the bar together and go to the man's place. They get
in the bedroom, the lady sits in the bed and the chimpanzee stands in front
of the bed, watching the lady.
- "Take off your cloths" says the man. She takes all her clothes slowly and
in an exotic manner. After she is naked the man tells her :
- "Now, lie back and open your legs". After she does he turns to the
chimpanzee and says:
- "O.K., Joe. It is now your turn, show her what you can do.."
But the chimpanzee does not move and looks at him with questioning eyes.
- "Come on, Joe. You know what to do?
The chimpanzee shakes his head saying no.
- "You idiot, watch me very carefully, this is the last time I'm showing you
what to do."!!!
###################################################################
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured
was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to
make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that
bitch and the bastard she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a
a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"
"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"
###################################################################
Ever since the jail warden had discovered that prisoner P220165 has
been collecting postcards and stamps bearing illustrations of
athletes in various stages of executing the high jump and pole vault,
two meters has been added to the height of the prison walls.
Just as a precaution.
###################################################################
The girl and the son of the 'family' were alone that night at home
after their parents left home for a tour. They were sitting together
and watching TV when the boy asked to his sister :
-"Would you mind if I kiss your cheek?"
-"No, I don't."
Couple of seconds after the friendly kiss, he asked again:
-"Can I kiss your lips?"
-"Yes, you can."
Couple of more seconds after, this time he asked:
-"Can you take your shirt off? I want to kiss your breasts."
After that, this time he asked:
-"Can you take all your cloths off, I want to make love with you?"
After he is done:
"Dad was telling the truth when he said you are worse than mom"!!!
###################################################################
So buddy how did you break your glasses?
Oh, I was kissing my girl.
Oh, did she turn her head as you kissed her?
No, she crossed her legs.
###################################################################
One day a teacher was giving a lecture on philosophy, and had the class
enthralled. It was a brilliant lecture. Suddenly, over his head a
bright light flashed and an angel came down and approached the teacher.
She said, "You are doing such a good job teaching this class, I have
decided to give you one wish. You can have infinite money, infinite
wisdom, or infinite knowledge." Thinking for a minute, he humbly asked
for infinite wisdom. She tapped him with a magic wand and disappeared
in a flash. The class came forward to hear the first words from a man
with infinite wisdom. He said, "It would have been wiser to take the
money..."
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