Picture the scene; Mary Magdelene is about to be stoned for her sexual
    promiscuity.  A huge crowd is waiting with stones in hand when Jesus steps
    forward and puts his hand in the air:

          "STOP!", he says, "Let you who is without sin cast the first stone!".

    There is a sudden quiet among the crowd, as they one by one start to drop
    the stones on the ground and hang their heads in shame.  But, suddenly, a
    huge stone comes flying through the air and hits Mary Magdelene smack bang
    between the eyes.  She falls to the ground - dead.  Jesus puts his hands in
    his pockets and looks up to the person at the back of the crowd and says:

          "You know mother, some times you really piss me off!"

Jesus walks into a pub in Jerusalem... ... slaps three nails onto the counter and says "Can you put me up for the night?".
As Jesus was being crucified, he called out, "Peter! Peter! Come here!" So Peter started towards him, but a Roman soldier wounded him. Jesus called out "PETER! COME QUICKLY!", so the bleeding Peter continued to get closer, but another Roman soldier cut off one of his feet. Jesus called out again, "PETER! I MUST SEE YOU!", so Peter continued hopping and bleeding toward Jesus, but another soldier cut off his other foot. Jesus called out again, "PETER! PETER!! PLEASE COME HERE!", so Peter continued, crawling, and finally managed to get to the foot of Jesus's cross, bleeding badly and missing his feet. "What is it, my Lord? I am here!", he said. Jesus said, "Look! I can see your house from here!"