A man walks into this small town, rustic bar. He sits down and orders a
drink. He notices a fisk bowl full of five dollar bills behind the bar and
a horse tied up in the back of the bar. he asks the bartender what the deal
is. The bartender says "put five dollars in the fish bowl and if you can
make that horse laugh, you get all the money in the fish bowl." The guy
accepts, puts a five in the fish bowl and goes to the back of the bar. He
whispers something to the horse's ear. The horse starts laughing
uncontrollably, even rolling on the floor gasping between guffaws. The man
walks back to the bar collects his money and leaves.
Several months later the man returns to the bar. He sees the horse is still
in the back of the place and that there is now an aquarium filled to the
brim with ten dollar bills. "What gives?" he asks the bartender.
"Well we made the bet harder, now it costs ten dollars, and you have to make
the horse cry." The man smiles in confidence. He puts a ten dollar bill in
the aquarium and walks back to the horse. The man is only back there a few
minutes and the horse starts this horrible sobbing and wailing. It is
quite a sight to see a horse cry. The man walks back to the bar, collects
his money and begins to leave. "Wait a minute!" shouts the bartender.
"You've only been in here twice, and you've won a lot of money. I want to
know how you did it."
The man explains. "Well you see, when I had to make the horse laugh I told
him that my dick was bigger than his, and when I had to make him cry . . .
-- I showed him."
****************************************************************************
This guy's mother called and asked if she could get a picture of him.
He's thinking he only has this one naked picture of himself. So he
decides he can cut the head of the picture off and send that part to her.
His grandma called the next day and wanted a picture, too. All he
had left is the bottom half of the naked picture, but he thinks his
grandma is so senile she will never know the difference. So he
sends it to her.
Grandma calls back a week later and says,"I like your picture but all
that hair on your face makes your nose look big".
****************************************************************************
A little boy of about seven or eight walked into the kitchen one morning
and asked his father.
"Dad, do prostitutes have babies."
"Of course they do son , where do you think policemen come from".
****************************************************************************
This guy's mother called and asked if she could get a picture of him.
He's thinking he only has this one naked picture of himself. So he
decides he can cut the head of the picture off and send that part to her.
His grandma called the next day and wanted a picture, too. All he
had left is the bottom half of the naked picture, but he thinks his
grandma is so senile she will never know the difference. So he
sends it to her.
Grandma calls back a week later and says,"I like your picture but all
that hair on your face makes your nose look big".
****************************************************************************
A little boy of about seven or eight walked into the kitchen one morning
and asked his father.
"Dad, do prostitutes have babies."
"Of course they do son , where do you think policemen come from".
****************************************************************************
God was disgusted with the music on earth, so he sat down and wrote a
long symphony. And it had enough parts in it for everyone on earth.
So, when performance time came up, he gathered all the people on the
plains of Africa to play the piece.
The angels lowered a gold directors stand. God himself stepped up on it,
tapped his baton and started the music.
The first movement was long, in fact about two and a half years. But
it was so beautiful that nobody minded at all.
The second movement was shorter, only about two years, but again so
beautiful and flowing that no one even noticed how long it was.
About a year into the third movement, there was a solo triangle part for
a little shoemaker from Belgium. As one could guess, he missed his
part. The whole orchestra stopped and glared at him for ruining
the greatest piece of music ever written.
God just looked out, tapped his baton and said, "OK folks, lets take it
from the top..........."
****************************************************************************
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when
their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and
it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel.
The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a
minor problem.
PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under
the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room.
I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.
SISTER: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the
room. Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord
would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
PRIEST: You're probably right... Get up and get your own damn
blanket.
****************************************************************************
Did you hear about the man who lost his licence to practise medicine?
He was caught having sex with one of his patients. Its such a shame - he
was the best vet in town.
****************************************************************************
Q. What's a mans idea of foreplay?
A. About half an hour of begging.
****************************************************************************
A beautiful woman visits the studio of a famous painter. She asks him if
he'll paint her in the nude.
'I'll pay you =A31,000,' she offers. He refuses, saying it's against his
principles.
A week later, she offers =A33,000. Again he refuses.
When she phones once more to offer =A34,000, he says he'll think about it.
He rings her back and says he'll do it - on one condition. 'I have to wear
my socks,' he says. 'I need somewhere to put my brushes.'
****************************************************************************
An old lady said to an old man: 'Drop your trousers and I'll tell you how
old you are.'
So the old man did.
@You're 85,' she said.
'How can you tell?' the man asked, amazed.
'You told me yesterday,' she replied.
****************************************************************************
One morning, after a row with his wife, a man slammed the door, saying:
'And you're no good in bed, either.'
At work, he realised he'd been unkind and rang her at home to apologise.
His wife took ages to answer.
'What took you so long?' the man asked.
His wife casually replied: 'I was in bed - getting a second opinion.'
****************************************************************************
Q. Why are men like video recorders?
A. Because they play, fast forward, pause and eject!
****************************************************************************
A couple revisited the cycle shed where they used to make love. Excited by
the memories, the woman leant back against the fence and their passions took
over.
'Wow!' the man said afterwards. 'That was great. You never used to get so
excited.'
His wife replied: 'The fence never used to be electric.
****************************************************************************
Ten Things to Say to the Girl-Friend's Parents
The First Time You Meet Them...
1) My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
2) Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
3) Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
4) Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market
won't cash my welfare check!
5) We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now,
my wife can be rather vindictive at times.
6) Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
7) Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
8) Nice place you got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a
nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
9) There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your
HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
10) Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that
cop car will stay lost...
****************************************************************************
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to
visit her grandmother, when suddenly a wolf jumped out from behind
a tree.
"Ah-ha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you. And I'm going to eat you!"
"Eat! Eat! Eat!" Little Red Riding Hood said angrily. "Damn it!
Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
****************************************************************************
Below is a conversation between man and GOD
MAN: Why are women so soft.
GOD: So you would love them.
MAN: Why are women so beautiful.
GOD: So you would love them.
MAN: Why are women so stupid.
GOD: So they would love you.
****************************************************************************
Mrs. Jones goes to see her obstetrician, Dr. Smith. She says, "Dr.
Smith, I'm pregnant again. I need a hearing aid." Dr. Smith says,
"Mrs. Jones, I thought we decided last time that your twelve children
were more than you could handle, and that you should not get pregnant
again. I'm going to give you a powerful contraceptive." Mrs. Jones
replies, "But, doctor, I don't need a contraceptive. I need a
hearing aid." Dr. Smith: "How come, Mrs. Jones?" Mrs. Jones: "Well,
you see, doctor, I'm kinda hard of hearing. At night, when the mister
and I turn off the lights and go to bed, he asks me, 'Do you want to
go to sleep, or what?' And, I always say, 'What?'"
****************************************************************************
The elderly man entered the car agency together with his young wife.
The owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait upon
them himself. He could not help staring at the lady, which, of
course, the elderly man noticed.
"May I propose a wager," he said. "If you can do everything to my
wife that I can do and still end up the same way as I do, I will pay
you double for the car. But if you cannot, you will give it to me
for free!"
"OK, agreed!"
The elderly man gave his wife a passionate kiss and the agency owner
did the same. Then the man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed her
breasts. So did the agency owner. Then the husband opened his fly,
pulled out his pecker and bent it in half.
"What colour car do you want?" asked the agency owner.
****************************************************************************
This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no man
has gone before.
Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter
in one.
One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark
young man engaged in
"playful activities" with 8-9 beautiful, dark, young women, all in nude. The
young man had the
biggest, strongest penis the explorer had ever seen, or even imagined. He
was simply awed. He
asked his guide who this man was.
"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake,
Sir", came the reply, "This is his
morning ritual."
"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be
this size?"
The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very
agitated by the conversation.
"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.
"He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's
shrink in cold water?"
****************************************************************************
While travelling through the prairie, the Lone Ranger was captured by
Indians who promptly tied him to a stake and prepared to BBQ him. The
Chief approached and said that because he had been a good friend to Tonto
for many years; he would be permitted one favour. The Lone Ranger whistled
for Silver and whispered in his ear. Silver runs off, returning shortly
with an attractive blonde in the saddle. Somewhat irritated he spoke with
Silver again who ran off, returning shortly with a brunette onboard. The
Lone ranger was visibily annoyed and spoke to Silver once more. Silver
departs and returns later with a red-head in the saddle. The Chief has had
enough of this B.S. and is about to light the tinder. He asks the Lone
Ranger if he has any last words. He whistled for Silver, leaned very
closely to the horse's ear and screamed.... I said POSSE YOU DUMB SON OF A
BITCH, POSSE!!
****************************************************************************
A burglar is prowling inside a very swanky house, shoving silver candlesticks
and gold statuettes into his bag when he hears a voice call, "JESUS! JESUS!"
He wonders if his conscience is kicking in. He decides it's not and keeps
loading up his bag with loot. Just as he's loading up the diamonds, he hears
it again: "JESUS! JESUS!" He gets nervous and makes his way through the
house to leave. Upon entering the sunroom, he sees a parakeet sitting on an
emerald perch.
"JESUS!" says the parakeet.
"You talk?" says the burglar.
"You bet," says the bird.
"What's your name?" says the thief.
"Sylvia," answers the bird.
"SYLVIA?!? Now what kind of stupid people would name a bird 'Sylvia'?" asks
the burglar.
"Same kind of stupid people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"
****************************************************************************
A college student got hopelessly lost in the backwoods trying to take a
short-cut home for the holidays. He finally came upon a lone farm house and
saw an old man sitting on the front porch in a rocking chair. He went up to
the old man to get directions.
Student: "Excuse me sir, but could you tell me how to get to Smithville ?"
old man: "Sorry, young fellow, but, I never heered of it."
Student: "Well, could you tell me how to get back to the Interstate?"
old man: "Ah, what's this here Inter-state thing?"
Student: "It's the main road going north and south - a super highway."
old man: "A super road you say. Didn't know there was one."
Student: "You sure don't know much about what's going on, do you?"
old man: "Maybe not, young fellow, but, then again -- I ain't lost."
Student (not knowing when to leave bad enough alone): "I've been told that
you old backwoodsmen are pretty smart even though you haven't had much
schooling."
old man: "Could be, though I did attend school back in ought 7 and 8."
Student: "Well sir, I am a college student and I wonder if you would mind
having a contest with me to see which of us is smarter?"
old man: "Wouldn't mine atall - what you got in mind?"
Student: "How about if we take turns asking each other questions until one
of us can't answer."
old man: "And what did you say the stakes were?"
Student: "Well, I didn't - but if you want to play for money - let's say
one dollar a question."
old man: "Seems to me - you being a college student and all - that you
should put up a dollar and I put up fifty cents."
Student: "Thats fine with me. You start."
old man: "Okay. What has three legs, is purple, and barks like a dog ?"
Student: (after a long pause) "I don't know. Here's your dollar. But, what
does have three legs, is purple, and barks like a dog ?"
old man: "Danged if I know - here's your fifty cents."
****************************************************************************
Three guys found themselves in Hell: MARK, JIM, and BUZ. A little
confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door
in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman
they had ever seen.
She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "MARK, you have sinned! You are
condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And
MARK was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his
torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped
when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting
example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous,
covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "JIM, you have sinned! You are
condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And
JIM, like MARK, was whisked off.
BUZ, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst
when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained
to see the figure of... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, BUZ jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful
woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of
the Devil saying, "Cindy, you have sinned...."
*****************************************************************************
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," the man said, emerging
from the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I
mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
***************************************************************************
When his wife's snoring woke him for the third straight night, Henry went
into the bathroom, got some aspirin and popped two tablets into her gaping
mouth.
"Awk, glub!" choked his startled wife. "What happened?"
"I gave you some aspirin."
"Why? I don't have a headache."
"Great!" Henry said, chuckling triumphantly. "Let's screw."
****************************************************************************
A guy stops a big yellow taxi cab and asks:
-Hey, this is a large car, do you have room for five six-packs of beers ?
-Sure I do.
-And seven large pizzas?
-Yes.
-And some chicken wings ?
-Of course.
-Thank you,
BWWWARGHH!
****************************************************************************
Tom and his wife were making love inside their car,while parking in the
Park,when a policeman knock on the window.
"For making love in a public park" Said the policeman "I fine you for
50 dollar and your wife for 250 dollar"
"And way is that ?" Wonder Tom "We were doing the same"
"You probably right" Answer the policeman "Only,for you it's the first time
Bat it's the fifth time that i catch your wife"....
****************************************************************************
A farmer needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the
money. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how
his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats
grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a
veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The
farmer looks very pleased. "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke
through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbors cows".
"Wow", says the banker, "what did the vet give the bull?".
"Some pills", replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?", asked the banker.
"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint".
****************************************************************************
An old man and old woman went to the doctor's office. The doctor
asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have
sex?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had
finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you
have sex", and he charged them $32.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have sex, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor
asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is
married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to
my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $78.00.
We do it here for $32.00 and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a
visit to the doctor's office."
****************************************************************************
A deaf couple were honeymooning in Hawaii. Having lived sheltered
lives, they were very nervous about their sex life, and communicating
their desires to one another in a darkened bedroom. The husband
asked the wife in sign language "Honey how should I tell you when I
want to have sex?".
The wife replied in sign language, "if you want have sex nibble my
right nipple once, if you don't want to have sex nibble my left
nipple twice".
With the ice broken, the wife asked the same question to the husband.
He replied "darling, if you want to have sex pull my penis once, if
you don't want to have sex pull penis 27 times".