Murphy Laws

Ralph's Observation: 
  It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object 
  to realize that you are in a hurry. 
Cole's Law: 
  Thinly sliced cabbage 
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. 
Firestone's Law of Forcasting: 
  Chicken Little only has to be right once. 
Manly's Maxim: 
  Logic is a systematic method of coming to 
  the wrong conclusion with confidence. 
Moer's truism: 
  The trouble with most jobs is the job holder's 
  resemblence to being one of a sled dog team. No one 
  gets a change of scenery except the lead dog. 
Cannon's Comment: 
  If you tell the boss you were late for work because you 
  had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. 
  If anything can go wrong, it will. 
Murphy's Corollary: 
  Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 
Murphy's Corollary: 
  It is impossible to make anything foolproof 
  because fools are so ingenious 
Murphy's Constant: 
  Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value 
Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law: 
  Everything goes wrong all at once. 
O'Toole's Commentary: 
  Murphy was an optimist. 
Scott's Second Law: 
  When an error has been detected and corrected, 
  it will be found to have been correct in the first place. 
Finagle's First Law: 
  If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 
Finagle's Second Law: 
  No matter what the experiment's result, there 
  will always be someone eager to: 
  (a) misinterpret it. 
  (b) fake it. 
  (c) believe it supports his own pet theory. 
Finagle's Third Law: 
  In any collection of data, the figure most obviously 
  correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 
Finagle's Fourth Law: 
  Once a job is fouled up, anything done to 
  improve it only makes it worse. 
Gumperson's Law: 
  The probability of anything happening is in 
  inverse ratio to its desirability. 
Rudin's Law: 
  In crises that force people to choose among 
  alternative courses of action, most people will 
  choose the worst one possible. 
Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics: 
  You can't win. 
  You can't break even. 
  You can't quit. 
Ehrman's Commentary 
  Things will get worse before they will get better. 
  Who said things would get better? 
Commoner's Second Law of Ecology: 
  Nothing ever goes away. 
Howe's Law: 
  Everyone has a scheme that will not work. 
Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics: 
  Once you open a can of worms, the only way to 
  recan them is to use a bigger can. 
Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations: 
  Negative expectations yield negative results. 
  Positive expectations yield negative results. 
Klipstein's Law: 
  Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward 
  maximum difficulty of assembly. 
Interchangeable parts won't. 
You never find a lost article until you replace it. 
Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness: 
  The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional 
  to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for. 
Lewis' Law: 
  No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've 
  bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. 
If nobody uses it, there's a reason. 
You get the most of what you need the least. 
The Airplane Law: 
  When the plane you are on is late, the plane you 
  want to transfer to is on time. 
Etorre's Observation: 
  The other line moves faster. 
First Law of Revision: 
  Information necessitiating a change of design will be 
  conveyed to the designer after - and only after - the 
  plans are complete. 
  (Often called the 'Now They Tell Us' Law) 
Second Law of Revision: 
  The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the 
  further its influence will extend and the more plans 
  will have to be redrawn. 
Corollary to the First Law of Revision: 
  In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus 
  one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong 
  way, so as to expedite subsequent revision. 
I.  Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 
II. Any given program costs more and takes longer. 
III. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 
IV. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 
V. Any program will expand to fill available memory. 
VI. The value of a program is proportional to the weight 
    of its output. 
VII. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities 
     of the programmer who must maintain it. 
VIII. Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug. 
IX. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to 
    detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 
X. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. 
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 
  There's always one more bug. 
Shaw's Principle: 
  Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool 
  will want to use it. 
Law of the Perversity of Nature: 
  You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of 
  the bread to butter. 
Law of Selective Gravity: 
  An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 
Jennings Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity: 
  The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down 
  is directly proportional to the value of the carpet. 
Wyszkowski's Second Law: 
  Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough. 
Sattinger's Law 
  It works better if you plug it in. 
Lowery's Law: 
  If it jams - force it. 
  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. 
Schmidt's Law: 
  If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. 
Anthony's Law of Force 
  Don't force it - get a bigger hammer. 
Cahn's Axiom: 
  When all else fails, read the instructions. 
Gordon's First Law: 
  If a project is not worth doing at all, 
it's not worth doing well. 
Law of Research: 
  Enough research will tend to support your theory. 
Maier's Law: 
  If the facts do not conform to the theory, 
they must be disposed of. 
Peer's Law: 
  The solution to the problem changes the problem. 
  Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, 
learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is 
full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant 
without having come by their ignorance the hard way. 
    - Bokonon 
  Help a man when he is in trouble and he will 
remember you when he is in trouble again. 
  You can lead a man to slaughter, 
but you can't make him think. 
  Don't get mad, get even. 
Carson's Law: 
  It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick. 
The Golden Rule: 
  He who has the gold, makes the rules. 
Mark's mark: 
  Love is a matter of chemistry; 
  sex is a matter of physics. 
Korman's conclusion: 
  The trouble with resisting temptation is it may 
never come your way again. 
Knight's Law: 
  Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans. 
Maugham's Thought: 
  Only a mediocre person is always at his best. 
Krueger's Observation: 
  A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil 
service exam in order to work for the government. 
Benchley's Law of Distinction: 
  There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe 
there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't. 
Harver's Law: 
  A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts. 
Schmidt's Observation: 
  All things being equal, a fat person uses 
more soap than a thin person. 
Gibb's Law: 
  Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another. 
Fools rush in where fools have been before. 
Rule of Accuracy: 
  When working towards the solution of a problem, it always 
helps if you know the answer. 
Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out. 
Wyszowski's Law: 
  No experiment is reproducible. 
Fett's Law: 
  Never replicate a successful experiment. 
Brooke's Law: 
  Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 
discovers something which either abolishes the system or 
expands it beyond recognition. 
The first Myth of Management: 
  It exists. 
  Spend sufficient time confirming the need and 
the need will disappear. 
Peter's Placebo: 
  An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. 
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour: 
  People are always available for work in the past tense. 
Wiker's Law: 
  Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. 
Clarke's First Law: 
  When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that 
something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he 
states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. 
Clarke's Third Law: 
  Any sufficiently advanced technology is 
indistinguishable from magic. 
Segal's Law: 
  A man with a watch knows what time it is. 
  A man with two watches is never sure. 
Weiler's Law: 
 Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself. 
Weinberg's Second Law: 
  If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 
the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. 
Hartley's Second Law: 
  Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are. 
Beckhap's Law: 
  Beauty times brains equals a constant. 
Katz's Law: 
  Men and women will act rationally when all other 
possibilities have been exhausted. 
Cole's Axiom: 
  The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; 
the population is growing. 
Vique's Law: 
  A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle. 
Jone's Motto: 
  Friends come and go but enemies accumulate. 
Churchill's commentary on man: 
  Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the 
time he will pick himself up and continue on. 
The ultimate Law: 
  All general statements are false. 
The Unspeakable Law: 
  As soon as you mention something; 
  if it is good, it goes away. 
  if it is bad, it happens. 
The Whispered Rule: 
  People will believe anything if you whisper it. 
The First Law of Wing Walking: 
  Never let hold of what you've got until 
you've got hold of something else. 
  Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning 
and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 
Farnsdick's corollary: 
  After things have gone from bad to worse, 
the cycle will repeat itself. 
Lynch's Law: 
  When the going gets tough, everybody leaves. 
Law of Revelation: 
  The hidden flaw never remains hidden. 
Langsam's Law: 
  Everything depends. 
Hellrung's Law: 
  If you wait, it will go away. 
Shevelson's Extension: 
  ... having done its damage. 
Grelb's Addition: 
  ... if it was bad, it will be back. 
Grossman's Misquote: 
  Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers. 
Ducharme's Precept: 
  Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.