Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
	-- Woody Allen

Sex is dirty only when it's done right.
	-- Woody Allen

Reality is what refuses to go away when I stop believing in it.
	-- Philip K. Dick

It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly
concerned about.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional
to the stupidity of your action.

All generalizations are bad.
	-- R. H. Grenier

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

Whining is anger through a small opening.
	-- Stuart Smalley

Good students don't "cheat"--they verify.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
	-- Steven Wright

You can't have everything...where would you put it?
	-- Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
	-- Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
	-- Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
	-- Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
	-- Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature.
	-- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
	-- Steven Wright

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
	-- Brilliant

Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
	-- Kasspe

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
	-- Manly's Maxim

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
	-- Grossman's Misquote

Only someone who understands something absolutely
can explain it so no one else can understand it.
	-- Rudnicki's Nobel Prize Principle

If you don't understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.

I wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called "brightness," but that doesn't work.

Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong.
	-- Zall's First Law

How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
	-- Zall's Second Law

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
	-- Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
	-- Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.
	-- Flucard's Corollary

Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories:
those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost.
	-- Russell Baker

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
	-- Ehrlich

If it jams, force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
	-- Lowery's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that
it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
	-- William's Law

When all else fails, read the instructions.
	-- Cann's Axiom

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
	-- Griffin's Thought

The other line moves faster.
	-- Ettore's Observation

Proofreading is more effective after publication.
	-- Barker

Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
	-- Corry

Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
	-- Van Roy's Truism

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
	-- Leonard Levinson

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
	-- Slous

He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.
	-- Nowlan's Theory

It's kind of fun to do the impossibl