It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her
cheeks. The priest asks her,
"OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
The novice nun ran into the Mother superior's office crying,
"Mother superior,i've just been raped by a burgler!"
Calmly,the Mother superior tells the girl to lie down,bite into a lemon, and suck it for half an hour.
"Will that stop me becoming pregnant?" asked the novice.
"No",replied the Mother superior,"But it'll wipe that bloody smile of your face!"
Mother superior enters the dormitory at 10 pm and announces that it's time for the sisters to get to sleep.. "Lights out"..... click, click, click "Candles out".... pop, pop, pop
So there was this young nun that was walking down the street and was attacked by a stranger in the alley and raped. After it was done the stranger got up and asked the nun, "So what are you going to tell the mother superior now?" She looked blushed and responded, "I'm going to tell her that you did it twice, ---- unless your too tired?"
A very pushy and ambitious salesman is trying to get the salesman of the year award. So he goes to the vatican and shoulders his way in to see the pope. " Your holiness, I represent the brewing federation. we would like to offer you a million pounds to change the lords prayer to give us our daily beer." "Offering money to change the lords prayer indeed, be off with you!" replies the pope. " Okay then two million" retorts the salesman. "How dare you suggest we change the words of our lord, get this man out of my sight" shout the pope beckoning to the guards. " As my final offer , Three million pounds" shouts the salesman as he is dragged out the door. The pope then turns to the cardinal and says " When does our contract with the bakery expire?"