The drunk staggered up to the beat cop and stammered, "Officer, you gotta help me."
"What's wrong?" the cop asked.
The drunk said, "My car's been stolen." He stuck out his index finger and said, "See this? I had my key ring around it just minute ago."
The policeman grimaced in disgust.
"How do you expect me to believe you have a car? You haven't shaved in a week, you stink and your clothes are filthy. And besides, your fly is down and you dick is sticking out."
"Oh, my god!" the drunk exclaimed.
"Somebody stole my girlfriend!"

An inept golfer once drove his tee shot onto an anthill. After many swings, he demolished the anthill but still had not hit the ball. At this point, one of the two ants still alive turned to the other and said, "If we are going to stay alive, we had better get on the ball!"

I was sitting in the cinema watching a comedy film, when I couldn't help noticing that next to me was a large alsatian. What was more surprising was that the dog was having the time of it's life, laughing at all the jokes and nearly dropping its stick with excitement. I turned to the woman holding the dog's lead, and said,
"I hope you don't think I'm being rude, but I'm very surprised to see your dog enjoying the film so much."
"You're surprised?" she replied. "I'm amazed - he hated the book."

Two Eskimos have caught a walrus at a coast. They took it by its tail and began pulling it toward their village. It's hard to pull it: the tail is slippery, it slips out of their hands.
On half of their way, they have met a Russian geologist. "What do you do, he said. Take it by its tusks. This is much easier: the tusks are not so slippery."
The Eskimos took the walrus by its tusks and pulled it. In some time, one Eskimo said to the other: "This geologist is a clever man. It's indeed easier to pull it like this."
The second Eskimo answered: "He is *stupid*! See, we have returned back to the coast!"

The Space Department in Iraq send a monkey and iraq to the space for research. They gave each one, the monkey and the iraq, an envelope with instruction. During the fligt yhe iraq was curious to know what are the instruction the monkey got, so he wait for the monkey to feel asleep and open his envelope, in there he found formulas, diagrams and charts. The iraq grab his hand and say, if thei gave the monkey such formulas I wonder what they gave me, he open his envelope. There was only one line: DON'T FORGET TO FEED THE MONKEY THREE TIMES A DAY.

The chief whipcracker on a Roman galley tells the slaves, I've got some good news and some bads news.
The good news is that you can have the rest of the day off and as much food as you want.
The bad news is that tomorrow the Emperor wants to go waterskiing.

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him says,
"Dog shit, 20 feet back."

A man walked into his daughter's bedroom to say hello and was shocked to see her playing with a vibrating dildo. "Honey, what are you doing?" "Daddy," his daughter replied, "let's face it. I'm forty-five years old, fat an ugly, and I haven't had a date in fifteen years. This is the best I'm going to do." Her father walked away with tears in his eyes.
The next day, the daughter went home and found her father watching TV with a beer in one hand and a vibrating dildo in the other.
"Daddy, what are you doing?"
"Well, honey," he relied brightly, "I thought I'd have a beer with my son-in-law."

This ventriloquist was travelling out in the desert when his car broke down. To kill time while it was getting fixed, he decided to look around the town. He met up with an indian on a horse who had a flock of sheep and his dog with him and the ventriloquist (sp?) decided to have some fun. He asked the indian if he could talk to his dog. The indian looked puzzled and said,
But, throwing his voice, the ventriloquist asked the dog,
"How's this Indian treat you?" and had the dog answer back,
"Pretty good... he feeds me well." The Indian was shocked. When the guy asked to talk to his horse, the Indian said,
Again, the guy threw his voice and asked the horse,
"How's this Indian treat you?" and had the horse answer back,
"OK... I like the travel and his wife is very kind to me."
Again, the Indian was shocked. When the guy asked to talk to his sheep, the Indian became very nervous and exclaimed,

What's the difference between heaven and hell?


The Policemen are English
The Cooks are French
The Mechanics are German
The Lovers are Italian
And the whole thing is run by the Swiss


The policemen are German
The cooks are English
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss
And the whole thing is run by the Italians.

A man goes into a bar and orders three martinis simultaneously. The bartender is curious and asks why. The man says:
"I used to go out for a drink each evening with my brother and sister who have since moved away. This makes me feel closer to them."

The man comes into the bar several nights in a row and does the same thing. However, one night he comes in and only orders two drinks. The bartender is concerned.
"Gee," he says, "it's none of my business but I hope nothing happened to your brother or sister."
"Oh, no," the guy replies, "I quit drinking."

An Italian, Jew, and Puerto Rican, come to the pearly gates and St. Peter says "I aint real pleased with ANY of your records and I will give you one last chance to prove your worthiness to enter heaven." "I will give you each one wish and then lock you away for 20 years in a room, and we'll talk again then."

The Italian askes for a woman and retires to his room, the Jew wants a telephone and retires as well and the PR wants a Cigarette and he retires. Twenty Years pass and St. Peter opens the Italians door. There are 8 kids all praying. The italian says "I brought these children to the world to worship God and make it a better place. St. Peter lets him into heaven.

He opens the Jews room and there is wall-to-wall money. "I started a business and ran it over the phone. All this money is for the glory of God". He lets him into heaven as well.

He opend the PR's door and there is the guy standing with the cigarette dangling from his mouth and asks...
"Hey Pete, Got a Light?"

These 2 indians are walking through the prairie. One of them leans down, puts his ear to the ground and listens... Finally he says "Hmmm . . . buffalo come."
2nd Indian says, "How you know?"
1st Indian "Ear stuck."

The regular priest was going to go on vacation, so he got a stand in priest. He informed the priest, One Hail Mary for something bad, and Two Hail Marys for something REALLY bad. Well, the first day, a lady comes in and says,
"I have a confession, I kissed my neighbor."
The stand-in priest says, "Ah.. One Hail Mary.."
She says, "Wait, I have another confession, I had sex with my neighbor."
The stand-in priest says, "Two Hail Marys."
Shesays, "Wait, that's not all.. I had anal sex.."
Well, this baffled the stand-in priest... so he decided to ask the altar boy.. the stand-in priest says,
"Altar Boy, what does the priest give for anal sex?"
The altar boy responds, "$100 and a trip to DisneyLand"