In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic
   Commitee on their choice of venue for the Games in the year 2000,
   the organisers of Manchester's bid have already drawn up an
   itinerary and schedule of events.  A copy has been leaked and is
   reproduced below.


       This is to be kept as brief as possible due to the low boredom
   threshold of the average Mancunian.

       There will be no parade of athletes around the arena, because
       if they
   leave their rooms at the village for more than two minutes, they
   will be stripped bare by the time they get back.

       Neither will there be any flags in the stadium, as any left
   are likely to be stolen by the Doyles.

       The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a
   of the city (preferably the Ordsall area), wearing the traditional
   costume of shell suit and balaclava mask and will burn for the
   duration of the Games in a large chip pan situated on the roof of
   the stadium.


       In previous Olympic Games,Britain's competitors have not been
   particularly successful.In order to redress the balance,some of the
   events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local

   * 100 Metres Sprint:

       Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave
       oven (on under each arm)and on the sound of the starting pistol
       a Police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the

   * 100 Metres Hurdles:

       The same as above with obstacles added (eg. car bonnets,
       hedges, garden fences and walls).

   * Hammer:

       Competitors in this event may choose which type of hammer they
       wish to use (claw,ballpane, sledge, etc.).  The winner will be
       the one who can cause the most grevious bodily harm to members
       of the public within the time allowed.

   * Fencing:

       Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and
       jewellery as possible, in five minutes.

   * Long Jump/High Jump:

       These events have been amalgamated and will be referred to
       simply as 'A Jump'. Mixed teams only, in loose fitting

   * Shooting:

       A strong challenge is expected from local men in the
       shooting.The target firstly, will be a moving police van.In the
       second round competitors will aim at a Post Office counter
       clerk,a bank teller or an Armaguard style wages delivery van.

   * Boxing:

       Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife
       teams and will take place on a Friday night.The husband will be
       given 15 pints of bitter and the wife will be told not to make
       him any tea when he gets home.The bout will then commence.

   * Cycling - Time Trials:

       Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike
       sheds and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's
       boy from the home counties on his first trip away from home.All
       against the clock.

   * Cycling - Pursuit:

       As above,but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
       S.A.S. Rugby team,who will witness the theft.

   * Modern Pentathalon:

       Amended events to include Mugging, Breaking and
       Entering,Flashing, Joy-Riding and Arson.

   * The Marathon:

       A safe route has yet to be decided but competitors will be
       issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up Litter
       on their way round the course.

   * Swimming:

       Competitors will be thrown off a bridge on the Manchester ship
       canal the first three survivors back will decide the medals.

   * Mens 4x100 Metres Relay:

       To be run according to the usual rules with the slight
       amendment of replacing the batons with handbags stolen from
       members of the public watching the event.

   * Mens 4x400 Metres Relay:

       As above but with a Police dog giving pursuit to ensure they
       run further.

   * Weightlifting:

       This will now be a pairs event. In the first round entrants
       will be required to smash a shop window and make their escape
       with a three piece suite/washing machine from the
       display.Medals will be decided by the first team to overturn
       and torch a Police armed response van, complete with

   * Gymnastics:

       Please note that the Ladies floor exercises have been replaced
       by a rhythmic clog dancing formation team event - competitors
       will also be judged for the difficulty of the Knots with which
       their shawls are tied.

   * Mens 50km walk:

       Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police
       cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of

   * Proposed Exhibition sport:

       Following the success of other exhibition sports, Manchester
       proposes their version of the Modern Pentathalon - suggestions
       put forward have included a Yard of ale contests, Whippet
       keeping, Pigeon racing, Tram spotting and Black pudding or
       Ferret Juggling.


       Entertainment to include formation Rave dancing by members of
   Hacienda health in the community anti-drug campaigners,Midget
   throwing and music by the Happy Mondays and Morrissey.

       The Olympic flame will be be extinguished by someone dropping
       an old
   washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats
   next to the stadium.

       The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes
   into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating

                      And so on to Tyldesley in 2004.

                   56 miles is a long way to run.........