The Real Programmers

Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke and palate scorching Szechwan food.

Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.

Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who can't read listings or the object code from the dump.

Real Programmers scorn Floating Point Arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."

Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.

Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the hallmark of the novice and the coward.

Real Programmers don't write application programs. They program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for the dullards who can't do systems programming.

Real Programmers don't write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who maintain ancient payroll programs.

Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business Oriented Laymen who can't run a business, not a real program.

Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.

Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for insecure anal retentives who can't choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.

Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after puberty.

Real Programmers don't write in APL unless the whole program can be written on one line.

Real Programmers don't write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain more parenthesis than actual code.

Real Programmers don't write in Pascal, BLISS, Ada or any of those other sissy computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.

Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get; they are lucky to get any programs at all.

Real Programmers don't do flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did them.

Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.

Real Programmers never "write" memos on paper. They "send" memos via MAIL.

Real Programmers like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in microwave ovens. Real Programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell which jobs are running just by listening to the rate of popping.

Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.

Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.

Real Programmers don't like the Team Programming concept. Unless, of course they are the Chief Programmer.

Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.

Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMW's, Lincolns, or Pickup trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.

Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real Programmers ignore schedules.

Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every Real Program. Candyass architects won't allow Execute instructions to address another Execute as the target instruction. Real Programmers despise petty restrictions.

Real Programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.