Husband And Wife
A woman returned home from a visit to the doctor. She was in floods of
tears. Her husband asked what was wrong and she explained that, after the
doctor had given her a full examination, the doctor had said that she had
quite a nice pussy. The husband was outraged and stormed off to see the
doctor. He demanded to know why the doctor had said such a thing to his
wife. The doctor said, "Well, I didn't exactly say that. I said that she
had acute angina".
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Unaware that her husband had painted the toilet seat, the lady settled
in for what needed doing; we can imagine her dismay when she discovered
that she was stuck tight. Her cries brought her husband, who tried a
variety of things without success. Finally, he called the Fire Department
for assistance. As the firemen were coming up the stairs, she said, "For
God's sake, give me something to cover up with!" And her husband gave her
the only thing available at the moment, a cowboy hat.
So, there she was, stuck tight to the toilet seat with a cowboy hat in
her lap as the firemen came piling into the room. The Chief examined the
situation this way and that, and he finally said, "Well, I'm sure we can
save her, but the cowboy's a goner."
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An elderly gentleman was in the hospital close to dying. His dear wife of
50 years decided to clean out the car in hopes of selling it. She found
two beer bottles and a bag containing $10,000.
That night, when visiting, she asked about the bottles. He replied "every
time I was unfaithful to you, I drank a bottle of beer." So the old lady
thinks "well, twice in 30 years is not bad". Then she asked "where did the
$10,000 in the bag come from?" "Well" said the old fellow "I had to take
back some of the empties".
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One day, a husband asked his wife to go fishing with him. The wife
sighed, and told him that she *hated* going fishing. The husband said,
"Well wife, I'll give you 3 choices that you MUST pick from." He said
"(1) you can perform oral sex on me, (2) we can have anal sex, or (3) you
can go hunting with me. The wife said that she would rather do the oral
sex than go hunting. So, he got undressed and she started. A minute
later, she spit him out and said "My gosh, you taste TERRIBLE." The man
shrugged and said, "Well, honey, the dogs didn't want to go hunting, either."
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A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the
airplanes and
asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the
pilot. "That's
too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said,
"I'll make you a
deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the
ride will be
free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10. The farmer and his
wife agreed and
went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I
want to
congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so,"
said the
farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
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They hadn't been married very long until the husband realized his wife
wasn't very interested in having sex. He checked with his doctor to
see if he could come up with something to really turn her on. He gave
him a small vial of liquid and said, "Put a few drops of this into her
coffee in the evening and by midnight she is really going to want you."
After dinner that evening, she went into the kitchen for a few minutes
and he put a few drops into her coffee. "Might as well put some in
mine too," he thought to himself. Later, they went to bed and at
precisely midnight his wife sat straight up in bed and screamed, "I
want a man!" Whereupon her husband sat up and screamed, "I do too!"
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Two guys went to a country club to play Tennis.
One asks the other, "How come Steve's not your doubles partner any more?"
The guy answers, "Would you want to play with a guy who always comes late,
never repays a loan, and wants to have sex with both your wife and
daughter?"
"No way," says the other guy.
"Well neither does Steve."
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It was Christmas Eve and the lady of the house (housewife) was doing
her cleaning for Christmas Day. Her husband was down the street at
a local tavern. When you she finished scrubing the floors, she dumped
the cleaning solution down the toilet. The cleaning solution was highly
flammable. When her husband came home he needed to use the facilities.
As he sat on his throne doing his business, he lit a cigarette,
dropping the match down the toilet. Well it immediately burst into
flames and buring his privates. His wife heard his screams and call
for the ambulance. When the attendants arrived they went to his aid,
placed him on a stretcher and started carrying him down stairs.They
asked what happen, and upon hearing the story, started laughing and
dropped him down the stairs, where he broke his leg.
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One eveing when this husband comes home and walks into the bedroom, he sees
his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing? Where are you
going?" She replies.....
"I heard that in Las Vegas I can get paid $500 a pop...for what I have been
giving you for free all these years. I'm going to Las Vegas."
The husband stops in his tracks....mulls this over for a moment...and then
goes to the closet and gets his suitcase. He proceeds to begin packing.
Puzzled, his wife asks, "and what do you think you are doing?". And his
reply is....
"I'm going to Las Vegas too. I want to see you live on $1500 a year!"
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Vera consulted a fortune-teller.
The Gypsy gazed into her crystal ball and proclaimed:
"Your husband is going to die soon!"
"I know that!" Vera whined. "What I want to know is if I'm going to jail!"
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A husband and wife are shipwrecked on a desert island with another man
from the ship. They decide to organise a watch system for spotting
ships.
The other man is first up the tree. The husband and wife are sitting
down below, throwing stones into the sea.
"OY!!" shouts the man, "Stop that! Its disgusting."
"What?" says the husband,
"Making love down there in front of me, as if I wasn't tormented enough"
"But we're not!" says the husband.
"Yes you are! How am I supposed to watch for ships with you two
humping away down there?"
"OK, we'll stop" says the husband, thinking the sun has got to the
man's head.
Three hours later it is the husbands turn up the tree. As soon as he
climbs up, the other man grabs the wife and they start making mad,
passionate love.
When the husband gets to the top of the tree he looks down and thinks,
"Hmmm, he was right, it does look as though you are making love from
up here!"
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